Broken


Why do I seek love from the meek or strength from the weak when all I want is to give love and not feel beat.

Why am I torn from affection lost without protection feeling like it’s all for nothing so I constantly put myself in segregation.

Why is it that my heart seems so cold and my body feels so old or is it just me and am I attempting to put my emotions on hold.

Why do I continue to feel alone cutting off ties not answering the phone and feeling like I’m in a glass house but still throwing stones.

Could it be my desire to fight has changed am I mixing my thoughts or looking for others to blame maybe I’m thinking to much and this is all just a game.

Could it be that life isn’t the same am I tired of people calling my name, is it really the same ole same I really don’t know and I think that’s a shame.

Am I broken is the question and if so what went wrong, I changed my tune no more singing the sad song but something isn’t right and that fact is known.

My have I grown and with the growth my heart is exposed but I can’t shake this feeling and what bothers me is the unknown.

Am I broken? Do I have words left unspoken? Will I ever know the answer or do I already have them and But haven’t spoken.

I know I’m in a fierce battle but it feels like I’m losing. If I can stand and be a man the war I can win, but in the midst of it I see that I’m losing all my family and friends. 
Trying to bend and not break has me feeling real fake, I know what’s at stake but how much shit can one take. 

I’m lost in a daze wondering through life’s maze and trying to figure out how not to go silent and retreat to my cave. 

I’m broken but never defeated, running on autopilot and ideas are all but depleted. Still I stand so let me repeat it I’m broken but never defeated, I’m a resilient man and I will remain undefeated. 

Advertisements

My Take On It


Whenever I get into my take on things, I always like to state facts first. I will always give some facts because I want you to know how I get and got to my take on it 

My take on what you might ask? Well my social friends let me tell you. It’s a variety of issues both socially and economically, hell by the end of this blog it might be physically and mentally also a bit emotional for those who might not understand where I’m coming from. Remember this though; “my blog my opinion”

Now when I hear and watch things, my mind goes Bazerk. I’m always looking at things from both aspects and trying to rationalize why “we” overthink and exaggerate everything……  From the labels we whore for to the national anthem, I’m going there. From the ghetto to the White House and being resurrected from the dead, I’m going there. You get the point, now bare with me as I get to mine. 

Black folks, African American, Colored, Negros and Niggas or whatever you claim to be. We have destroyed our struggle, desecrated our ancestors and shamed our race. Fact: As slaves we bonded together and rose as one, we sung, we prayed and we survived together. People like Harriet Tubman, Booker T. Washington, Malcome X , Martin Luther King Jr.  and Rosa Parks just to name a few. These were people the without a doubt brought change. They fought for things we don’t, they stood for something greater than themselves. My take: from then to now only thing that has changed is us… We no longer look out for each other, we stopped celebrating family and started beefing amongst each other. Tupac said “who knows what tomorrow will bring in a world where everyone’s blind”. Now look at us; we’re blinded by the distractions of social media and non-educational television. It’s the reality shows that really piss me off because it just shows that even with money,”niggas gone be niggas”.  We are so blinded by the culture that we don’t see the big picture.  



Fact: African Americans make up 12.3% of the population in the United States, meanwhile a whopping 37% of blacks make up the prison population. My take: Although we do our fair share of dumb shit, all punishments don’t fit the crime. Fact: there are Black men in prison for life because they chose to sell drugs as a means to an end meanwhile a white man walks into a church, kills unarmed people and is arrested without incident and taken to Burger King before going to jail. Fact: white man walks into a movie theater and starts shooting movie goers and is arrested without incident and declared insane meanwhile an unarmed black man is shot and killed by police for basically standing outside a store trying to sell some CDs. My take: black men are feared and because of that fear we are being hunted like animals in the wild, shot down in cold blood and profiled by racist. We do not make things easier for ourselves by committing all these acts of genocide. We are so hell bent and determined to hate on each other that we don’t realize, it’s what they want us to do because if we don’t care about us why should they. 

My take: Donald Trump is an idiot and Hillary Clinton may not be ready, but these are the choices we have for President. I feel as though since a Black man was elected to office they feel anyone can be President. Fact: no matter who sits in the Oval Office congress still runs the country. There are 318.9 million people in this country but only 146,311,000 registered voters and only 48.9% of those people voted for congress, yet you get mad at the President because you feel he’s not working for you. The way to get promises kept is to have congress on your side and Barack Obama hasn’t had that. He has been scrutinized more than any other President not getting impeached. My take: Chris Rock said “the difference between Blacks and Whites is that the Black man has to fly to get what the White man walks to.”


My take: America is on the fast track to becoming a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah. The shit we condone is atrocious and the standards we hold each other too is meek at best. You say “I got your back” but first chance you get your the first one with the knife that’s stabbing me in mine. You say “I’m so proud and happy for you” but on the inside you feeling like “fuck that nigga I hope he fails.” Black America sets the trends and White America gets paid off of it. Growing up in my generation being Homosexual was a way of life but today it’s a trend. By the way, the Homosexual movement has no comparison to the days of slavery. Yes there has been some racially charged events but nothing like slavery.

My take: The world has become so metrosexual that it’s hard to even distinguish the boys from the girls and the women from the men. They took religion out of the schools and suddenly crime in school skyrocketed until now the kids are killing themselves and each other on the regular basis. Everywhere you look people are always on the phone, we have become so disengaged by technology that we really text more than talk and the only social skills we have exist on Facebook or Twitter. Haven’t seen me in awhile? Just hit me up on Instagram or Snapchat no need to come thru.the headlines will read “Get a smartphone and you’ll never have to interact again” or maybe that’s just my take on it.

 I could get closer to God and have my identity robbed on a smartphone. 
I could apply for a job or insight a mob on a smartphone. 
I could see your face or pick out a nice place on a smartphone. 
I could find the love of my life or something just for the night on a smartphone. 
I can post my first born or watch some free porn on a smartphone. 
I could pick my flight or start a big fight on a smartphone. 
I can deposit my checks or figure out where I’m headed next on a smartphone. 
My final take: Until we open our eyes and begin to really pay attention to what’s going on, we will continue to be lost. Until we decide to understand life on the other side, we will always be divided. Until you look yourself in the mirror and ask yourself “what can I fix about me”, we will always be judgemental of the choices someone else had made. Until we spew more love and less hatred towards ourselves, we will always be alone emotionally. Until we learn how to fight with words, there will always be senseless acts of violence. Until we start molding our youth and being present instead of just around, we will always have a new generation of spiteful and disrespectful children. 


We search for role models and people to look up to not realizing that, they are just people too. “Stop looking for people to follow and start leading.” Stop looking for the next trend and become the trending topic. Saying these words, I myself and listening and understanding that I haven’t reach my potential because I haven’t jumped off the cliff knowing that God won’t let me fall. I don’t want to be the man who didn’t try. The man who was always scared to help my world a little better and brighter. “Failing others is something that’s bound to happen because you can’t please everyone, but we should never fail ourselves.” We fall we get up. They say no, we find someone that can say yes. Fact: I this life there is no perfection, but the pursuit of it makes us better. God is the only perfectionist and the only one that will never fail us. 

Value


The biggest question when it comes to value is, “what’s your worth”? Honestly we all should be able to say “priceless”. Unfortunately we almost always underestimate our worth. We say things like “I’m alright” and “I think I’m good enough”, when in fact you should be great and more than enough. We try to live up to everyone’s standard but our own, we feel like impressing people determines our worth.  Truth is the more people valuing you the more you depreciate because you stop being you and start to become who they want you to be. 
Value doesn’t ever come from the money you have, it comes the the character you have built in yourself and displays to there without ever compromising your self-worth. You owe it to yourself to always be worth something to yourself and not to let anyone every depreciate your value. When you begin to question your worth you have lost your value. Life has a way of kicking us so hard that we question our worth based on the material things we have yet to achieve. It smacks us around and distorts our perception of true value and worth and we surrender to it because greed, lust and envy overcomes us. The minute we judge our worth based on what other people have we lose value and our worth just keeps depreciating. 
We let our family and friends dictate our relationships and lifestyles, we let our relationships dictate our family and friends and we let our lifestyle dictate everything and everyone around us. Constantly searching for more value in the wrong places, we scroll through social media outlets trying to outdo someone else’s prefabricated lifestyle thinking that we are living a life to be admired when in all actually the people you are trying to impress could really care less whether you are cracked out or fucking president of the United States. The more we pretend our worth is great, the lower our value slumps. Life is real and we live in a fickle world, one day your up and the next your down but when you know your worth up or down your value doesn’t decline. 
Your worth is in your character and has nothing to do with money or status. Value is that umph that God gave us to be great in our own right. Value comes from the adversity we face and come out unscathed, it’s from the faith embedded in our hearts that allow us to jump off the cliff and land on our feet because God wouldn’t let us fail or fall. We gain value when we are obedient in our well doing, determined to learn from our mistakes and never giving up on on ourselves. 
Every piece of material you gain in this world means nothing because you can’t take it with you, in turn when we put ourselves in a position to be adored by others we owe it to them to shine our light bright so that our memory lives on through the hearts of everyone we were blessed to share our light; “That’s value”. 

 

Granny


My heart is broken and although it will eventually heal,

 I’ve lost and another piece of me I can no longer feel. 

The bible tells us that there is life and there is death, 

the two are synonymous but a fact with every breath. 

For her there is no more suffering and no more pain, 

but I’m left picking up the pieces of my broken heart again. 

The selfish man in me is angry and unwilling to face the fact,

understanding that she is gone and coming to the realization that she will never be back. 

Not understanding that I’m gaining another Angel and The Lord is as well, 

we she all be so lucky to be chosen by God to dwell. 

I’m angry because this part of life isn’t under my control,

 I’m angry because at this moment I want her to hold my hand and console. 

Death leaves a heartache that no one can truly heal,

but love leaves a memory that you can never steal. 

But goodbyes are not forever and certainly not the end,

 it simply means I’ll miss you dearly and until we meet again. 

What Does It All Mean


The alarm clock goes off, you press snooze in hopes that the next ten minutes will be the best sleep you’ve gotten all night. It’s not, you’re drowsy and you really wish that you didn’t have to get up. But you do, you head to the bathroom to do the morning ritual, you get dressed maybe you’ll have breakfast and coffee or tea and a bagel. You are really hoping that this will kick start your day, you grab your keys and head for the office.

On the way you may take that time to converse with God asking Him to make this day better than the day before. Then you plan on letting nothing and no one ruin what started out as a good day. You pull up to your job and almost immediately all your hopes and dreams of a good day are squashed. You really don’t want to be there but it’s a means to an end so you take it all in stride.

After about half a day you realize that you are fulling your end of the bargain and you go to lunch, you sit in the break room and start to look at your co workers and say to yourself how did I end up here? You’re here because of whatever choices you made in life, whether good or bad they lead you here.

Lunch is over and you’re back on the job, making more money for your employer than you’ll ever make for yourself, feeling as though there has to be a better way. You might even feel that you are wasting your talent but you still give your all to your current situation as you wait patiently hoping that you don’t miss your opportunity when it arises.

After the day is over you get into your car in anticipation of your night being way better than your day. You go home to unwind and to forget about the day, understanding that in the morning you’ll be right back at it.

Do you look for a pat on the back or acknowledgement for the things you’ve done? Me personally, I just thank The Lord for blessing me with the strength to keep moving. I’m not looking for any earthly rewards because my Father promised me all things in His time.

The question I ask is what does it all mean? The answer I came up with is this, it means we are given a choice in this life and the choices we make shows Him what are worth is in heaven.

So make a choice to be great in whatever you choose, make the decision to be better than yesterday in hopes that tomorrow the sun will shine on you even if it’s raining.

My Missing Rib


The best thing that ever happened to my life was the day we met. I never wanted to be without you and even though I was a child, you were always my dream. All I wanted to do back then was make you happy and keep you all to myself forever. Then because we were young I let my anger over power love and I watched you fade out of my life. I was hurt when we were no longer boyfriend girlfriend but I loved you enough to just be the best friend you could ever ask because no matter what we were, I just wanted to be in your life. When I was no longer able to see your face I treated myself like shit because I knew you were gone forever. My love for you made me never love again because my one and only someone had came and went.

As days became weeks became months became years, I never forgot about my love I just didn’t know where to find her. I caught glimpses of you but was scared to approach because I thought you had grown without me and wouldn’t share the same feelings as me. I thought of you almost all the time, I talked about you to people who hadn’t ever seen you before. It felt like I was living in the past but it was the only memories that I had of you and I refused to let them go.

All this time that passed I was steadily dying inside because not often do we get the chance to have our missing rib and I had mines and let her get away. I did everything wrong and there isn’t much in my life that I’m proud of, but that changed when I decided to get a Facebook page and found my rib and saw that she was wondering about me too. It felt so good to see you walk into Scorchers I could have died a happy man that second, you were grown and sexy. You looked like sunshine and I had no reasons to live. You gave me the want to live but I was already dead, then you nursed me back to health and made my life worth living.

Now you are my wife and it’s the best feeling in the world. I’m whole, I’m complete and I love you unequivocally. I never want to hurt you, I feel in one way or another we’ve both been hurt to many times to want to hurt each other. I know I have to give you space and time but I need you to know that I didn’t marry you to make a fool out of you, nor to hurt you or have you question my loyalty. I married you to treat you like the queen that you are and to never let you go.

The Letter


Dear dad

I’m writing this to let you know I miss you more than ever. It’s been a long time and I think about you daily. They say the best way to remember someone is to keep them close to your heart and speak of them as if they’re still here. Anyone that knows who I am knows who you are and how much you meant to me.

I still have pictures and I look at them as often as I can, yet it doesn’t do justice because I would love to hold your hand. I know you’re watching but sometimes I just want to hear your voice and I often wonder if you’re proud of me and my choice.

It’s been 24 years since I was able to touch you, hug you and tell you about my day. Today is your birthday and in my head I hear you laughing, I see your smile and it brings tears to my eyes.

I’ve done a lot in the last 24 years, some good and some bad but I’m growing and getting better daily. Some of my greatest accomplishments were bitter sweet because I was wishing you’d be apart of them. Even as I felt your spirit I long for your nod of approval.

3 1/2 months ago I married one of Gods angels, you were on the program but as I glanced over the crowd I just wished you were there. My wife has been to visit you and she even had a private conversation with you. I hope you heard every word and I also hope you felt the love she has for your son. As we begin our life we pray that God will strengthen our union and bless us with children so that we may bring them up and share the memories of their grandfather.

I definitely miss you and although I know you are with me in spirit, it doesn’t feel the same without you here. Life goes on and memories fade but your essence never dies, the emotion gets easier to deal with but the what ifs will all exist. It’s been a long time but I know we will meet again and when we do, I will rejoice the day.

Missing you always,

Levardis

P.S. Rest in peace.