The biggest question I’ll never know the real answer to is “who really loves you” and if you are anything like me you’ve asked yourself this over a billion times during the course of your life and you probably have a couple of ideas and a few I’m sure they do’s, and then the famous “I think they do but” (you can add your own but). There are certainly people who say they do and don’t, then there’s the ones that say they don’t and they do. You got some who are there because you got something to offer and the ones that can’t stop offering. There are so many reasons to be loved and not to be figuring out what someones reason for saying it ,is probably like playing Russian roulette with a loaded gun, too me. It is a hard subject and in most cases, it’s the ones that love you that blows us away.
When you reach the age that you understand the word love, the first people you say it to is your parents because they are the ones who taught you its meaning. They are the ones that showed you or tried to show you the way to love. Either way we start off our lives loving people based on the lack of love we got or what we believe is the real thing. I really try my best not to stat personal things but sometimes in order to get a point across I will.
My father died when I was twelve and like us all he had his imperfections but the one thing he got totally right, was his undeniable love for his family. Yeah he could have done some things different, maybe I should have said some things more. Maybe he would have heard my cry or maybe, just maybe, he already knew he didn’t have long so he tried to cram a lifetime in twelve years and if that is the case, “congratulations dad you did it and I miss you now more than ever but I’ll never forget”.
As a teenager the word love got a little deeper because the word love was expanding and it was starting to relate to other people, i.e my best friend, my neighbors and females. Those were definitely the puppy love years but all the same it further taught me love, good and bad. We grow wanting love, needing love and we search for it like it’s our destiny. What I needed to learn was how to love myself. I mistreated myself and it carried over into the mistreatment of others and I apologize to them and myself everyday for the hard-headed boy I used to be.
As a I think I’m a grown man, I still didn’t fully understand how to love myself or others in the correct manner so, I made a lot of bad choices and decisions, not because I didn’t know right from wrong but because without love for myself I failed to realize the pain and cared little about the consequences. My mother (God bless the ground she walks on) gave me all the things I needed as a little boy to become a successful man and for the longest I kept those tools to myself because they involved feelings and I always did a good job of keeping mines bottled up. She did the best she could and I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. “no regrets I love my mother” and if you are reading this mom; You still my hero!!
After all the running I finally ran out of breath so I had no choice and it was at that moment I heard his voice, he told me to “wake up”. He said “if you keep acting like you have no feelings no one will feel for you”. He was right and as I transformed into the man I am today, sometimes I get the feeling people liked me better when I didn’t like myself. Okay I’m not saying I was Mr. Popular but I had lots of “friends”. Or did I? When the party stopped I had one person who was and has been that constant friend through the good,the bad and the ugly. When you can tell someone everything and ask anything you’ve got a friend. I have to say I never had a friend like Him in the but I’m glad that I got to know God.
Now that I can truly say “the boy has become a man”, my fears don’t scare me, my nightmares are good dreams, my God is the leader and I am on his team.
my burdens are now my rewards, my spirit rejoices to one accord, my bible is now my sword, with his gift I can not hoard as I post my feelings on Facebook, twitter and if I could a few billboards.
My soul is now my sight, my faith is now my light, while Jesus is the one who tucks me in at night. I won’t give up the fight my will is now my might and I’m only trying to do what I feel in life is right.
My love no longer concealed, my wounds have finally healed, my feelings are now revealed, took a long time but the layers have just been peeled.